In past weeks I had trouble locating sleep.  I would spend hours running up and down stairs.  Countelss hours starting at the ceiling above my bed.  I assumed that tonight wouldn't be any different.  You whisked me away to dinner, which was one of the sweetest things you've done for me in months.  We came back to my house to watch a movie and lounge in my bed.  I was quite content lying beside you and gazing into your bright green eyes.  My mother leaned into my room and informed us it was 2 AM.  Apparently it was time for you to leave.  I returned to my bed at 2:30... It has always been hard for me to say goodbye to you.  Unfortunately I will probably never get the hang of it.
   As I lie face down with my face shoved into my pillow this calmness overwhelms me.  I smell something familiar, something i love.  Although you have gone home, your aroma remained.  I was lulled to sleep surrounded by you.  You have filled my lungs, heart, and mind with comfort.  With sleep.  Long live those with a life of unrest.  Althought they may be lonely, they will always have their ceiling.  I have given up on that life...hello dreams, hello unconsciousness.


Same old stories.  Same old thoughts.  He's all I think about, and that doesn't seem to bother me.  In fact, it never really has.

---

   I wrote this one night after you had left...i always wanted you to read it, but i know how much you hate reading anything my twisted little mind thinks of.  For the first time in a long time i wrote of something happy.  I wrote about you.  I don't think you realize what a profound effect you have had on my life.  One day i will tell you all you have done for me.  One day you will know EXACTLY what i am thinking.  I know that i upset you a lot, that i have this way of making you feel like shit...In all honesty, that is not my intention.  One day you will understand what i am trying to say to you.  Unfortunately, to day not that day.  Lets hope for tomorrow...

---

 Recently it has been hard for me to understand everything.  I do not know why I feel everything is my fault.  Is this my fault?  I am sorry for everything.  I apologize for whatever I have done or didn't do.  I wish you would read this, but you won't.  I wish I could tell you any of this, but I never will.  The whole world will know before you ever find out....this truth is sad I do suppose.  It's just i have this excellent talent (or curse) of freaking out extremely easily.  Maybe I misinterpreted the words I heard.  Maybe it was just a mistaken tone.  I wish I knew.  I wish I understood.  Steal me away.  Steal my mind away from this dwelling, it really does horrible things to me.  July has never felt so strange, so overpowering.

"And there's this nagging suspicion that won't leave me alone tonight
its just that everything I try to do, nothing seems to turn out right"

 
   "Why are you like this?"  He questioned. "I thought we fixed you...."

He FIXED me?!  Upon hearing this I was unsure if I should hang up or burden him with my opinion.  Sometimes he seems so superior to me.  Sometimes nearly dominating.  but don't worry friends, he did FIX ME.  What is that supposed to mean anyway?  What was so god awefully wrong with me that I needed fixing? Overpowering....Domineering.

I haven't felt this angry in a long time.  I  most certainly have never this angry at him.

  I don't know why I even write in this thing.  I suppose someone out there is reading it.  At least I hope.  Sometimes i think that no one even notices my existence.  There is someting wrong with me.  Yesterday was a horrible day.  EVerything is against me.  The world is against me.  Well, my body is against me.  Just when I think everything is fine--it isn't.  I think i am getting sick.  I know for some reason I feel miserable in my own skin.  Possibly not my skin, but in my surroundings.  In my house, for example.  Nathan and I went to my relative' s 4th of July party.  It was strange.  usually it is at least some fun/insanity.  But this year everything was normal, everyone was normal.  This is day one of "not smoking"  i have no idea if this is going to work.  Mr.Nate had the idea of quitting due to the sharp price increase.  The concept of quitting is nice...  That is really all i have to say about that.  If you read this, tell me you did.  I am thinking seriously about giving this thing the good old "fuck you".  Have a great evening everyone.

  Recently I have had nothing to say.  I have been thinking a lot, but i have very little to say.  So I decided to talk about what (who) i know best...ME!


MY favorites:

Movie(s) {not in order of importance, i love them all equally}
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. The Royal Tenenbaums
3. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
4. Joe vs the Volcano
5. Strange Brew

Color
 Gray

Weather

  I have been in the mood for thinking lately.  Honestly, i believe i over think EVERYTHING.  I am guilty of planning out every action before i do them.  the chess player effect- i like to call it that.  things have been moving slow lately, this week alone has taken an eternity to pass.  All leading up to friday, my day of salvation.  everyone around me has been having relationship problems.  Nate and I were disscussing this the other day.  It seems that everyone comes to us with their problems (which neither of us really mind) but I wonder who would listen to our problems.  I guess the good news is with everyone elses' problems, we don't really have room for our own.  The other day I was driving through Salem and I get this call on my cell phone "Turn around and come back to Taco Bell" the voice says, so i do.  and there he stands, my Nathan finishing a cigarette and watching for me.  I love that about him.  I love that no matter what is going on if he thinks about me, he'll call me.  If he sees me around he will do everything in his power to come over and see me if only to give me a hello kiss.  As i was driving away that night I got to the stop light right after Taco Bell and just smiled.  My boy makes me smile.  He makes everything worth it.  Which got me thinking, I really don't remember what i was like without him.  Was I at all different, or have I remained the same?  In my opinion, i believe now I am much more sane, as well as much more grown up.  He is grown up too, more so than he used to be.  But i do think his intense love of video games is cute.  And i also love the little games he plays with me, and i wouldn't change him for the world.  Which also got me thinking, maybe I already have.  Currently my family has stopped hating me so much, and started joking around with me.  However anytime dad talks to me he stares at my piercing.  I hate that he won't love me for the mismatched, hair dyed, eccentric, unbelieveing person that i am.  He wants me to love his god, to take out my stud, but i won't.  I want him to chill the fuck out, to treat mom nicer, but he doesn't.  Which also got me thinking, when did we all start hating one another.  When did my family decided it was alright to love one another conditionally.  In ending, i have been thinking a lot about love and changing.  How when you love someone you change for them.  How the form of love changes a lot.  And how the more i change, the more i grow it seems there are less people who love me.  My family is little by little leaving me to fend for myself.  Sometimes i miss the past, but mostly i resent it.







  Above my mirror you will find a sign reading "Imperfection is Beautiful",  if only everyone knew this little secret...

  What a morning, what a day...I suppose i could sit here and tell you of my adventures, but i won't waste our time.  this weekend was great, my boy really knows how to take care of me.  I think i have been a bit down lately, and i am sorry for freaking out all the time.  i wish i could make the yelling stop.  i just crave silence from these people.  trust me when i say i am trying to be everything i was.  please believe me when i tell you that everything will be alright.  i keep teling you to wait, even though i believe you have waited long enough.  just wait until I see the doctor, just wait until i leave this house.  i can deal with all of my shit, but it becomes heavy.  my heart and mind are exceptionally heavy.  I appologize for asking you to help carry the load.  i am trying, i am.  please just hug me and tell me everything will be fine.  tell me the doctors won't find anything.  tell me that they will leave me alone.  please tell me these things, even if they are lies.  i've tried this all before, now i think it's killing me. these tears have turned to acid, i feel them burning my eyes.

  I woke up this morning feeling like a fat whore.  i rolled over in bed to see all of my clothes scattered about, pulled out of my dresser and thrown from my closet.  on the top of the pile was my favorite shirt "I can't, I'm mormon" it reads.  i got out of bed and ran downstairs, i had this christmas morning kind of feeling.  i ran downstairs to discover it was 8 am, not 7 and that no one was awake.  those damn bastards ruined my christmas kind of morning.  those sons a bitches broke my happy feeling.  as a direct result, i had no choice but to return to my slumber.  as i was lying in bed visions of sugar plumbs danced in my head... i woke again at 11:30, everyone was now gone.  Just me, my cigarettes, and my slim fast -that is all i had left. i smoked and drank until i felt energized and then they returned.  fighting, ugly, and fat, they were back.  oh spite, oh hell.  So quick bright things come to confusion. 




  I really wish i had that shirt.